I guess I may have ended the last post a little abruptly and most definitely negatively. I want to apologize for that, but quite frankly, my time on the library computer was counting down to the last seconds in my session. Yes, that’s right, in this day and age of technological abundance, I still go to that ancient place where books still live and you are constantly shushed. It clears my head and helps me think better.
So, since last January, when I wrote about my downward and out mental status, things have improved tremendously! Due to the program I work for my addiction and my personal belief that my Higher Power knows EXACTLY what He is doing, I was able and willing to reach out for help. Back in my drinking days, I wouldn’t have told anyone, I would have lived in a bottle hoping all my troubles would just vanish.
While sitting in all of the financial turmoil, I realized a few important things. Firstly, that everyone goes through trials and tribulations and my issues were no more detrimental than anyone else’s. Mine is not unique or worse, therefore no more important than your problems. That other kind of thinking gets me back into my all-important ego and it’s really easy to fall into that defective thinking. The second thing I learned was that I have to believe and have faith in my god, not only when things are great, but especially when they are not. I believe this was the lesson God was showing me.
My brain gets stuck. Even in sobriety, my brain is warped and I must have someone tell me how sick I am. No, really. The illness of my disease is complete self-centeredness and disorganized thinking. Everything, and I do mean everything is about me. It’s difficult to explain to normal folks how twisted an addict’s brain really is and how our reality is sometimes merely that, our reality, not what really is. Does that make sense at all? Kinda like Russell Crow’s character in “A Beautiful Mind”. He really and genuinely believed in his truth and lived it out. Spoiler alert…we come to find out that the whole story line isn’t real at all. We get to live, for 2 hours in his mind and feel what he feels only to be jolted at the end and told none of it was actual. That film is the best way I can describe how I, as an alcoholic think. Never know if the facts are just my version of things or the way they truly are. It’s all very confusing.
On a much happier note, today I am working full-time at a sober living facility for women where I’m blessed to have an opportunity to mentor and watch miracles happen everyday. God has placed me exactly where I have wanted to be since I was in the throes of desperation in the Psychiatric Ward almost 2 years ago. I have my own place to live again and although I live modestly compared to some, it’s all I need. I have added a puppy to the mix and just found out recently that I am going to be a grandmother in October…of TWINS! Do I still have struggles? Without a doubt! But life looks so much different today than it did a mere 4 months ago. I just had to keep doing the work, trusting and having faith, not picking up a drink and realize that this life truly is a journey. Every road leads to a new experience which can either break me or make me stronger. I choose to coast along in the passenger’s seat and let God keep the wheel. He is a much better driver than me!